Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Cleaning Catastrophies

So there we were... (A friend from college said every good story should start with that phrase and end with, "And that's how we narrowly escaped death!")
So there we were... I was sweeping all the tiled floors in the house. The plan was to scrub eventually blast that evil layer of scum that's built up from a solid week of rain and two very dirty puppies. It sure is amazing how dirty floors can get when puppies don't wipe their feet. I'm also amazed by how much dirt builds up in the laundry room! Anyway, sweeping. I pick up the rug in front of the front door and discover what I thought was a small earth worm that had been smushed under the rug. Panic level #1. There was a large halo of dried, nasty blood around it and a large, ugly blood spot on the rug and the mat underneath it. I was completely bumfuzzled as to how to clean the nasty booger up so I swept around it and went on my way. As I scrubbed the layer of dirt in the laundry room, I pondered how to get the tile and rug clean and germ free. When I was walking back through the living room in desperate search of yet another cleaner to cut the grime in that blasted laundry room, I noticed that the worm was gone. Panic level #2. The puppies just looked at me and smiled.
I freaked and screeched... "You ate it? You ate that dried crusty worm? Gross!!!"
More smiles.
"What if it was poisonous?!?! Are you going to die? Who ate it? Who ate the worm?"
Amazingly, they didn't answer! (But they sure were cute sitting side by side.)
I quickly grabbed my cell phone and called my parents. I was trying to imagine how in the world I would figure out which dog ate the worm before they died.
Dad answered and was slightly amused over my panic. He then explained that worms don't have blood and that it was, in fact, a snake. Panic level #3.
"A snake? I had a snake in my house? You're kidding! And my dog ate it! What if it was venomous? What if it laid eggs? What if it had babies?" Panic level #4.
Dad was quick to point out that all was well and I was freaking for no real reason and that the dogs would not die. He told me the best way to clean and disinfect the blood and I went in search of the 16th cleaner of the day - hydrogen peroxide. As I did, I noticed a "stick" on the carpet on the other side of the living room. Panic level #4.5. I bent over to inspect the stick closely only to realize it had eyes. Panic level #5!!
Dad told me to see if it was fresh and if it was mushy or stiff and if it had vertebrae. Panic level #6. I decided to forgo that bit of advice and promptly gathered a thick pile of paper towels in order to pick it up and dispose of it. (Now that I knew the puppies had only played with it and not eaten it, I wanted to make sure they didn't decide to finish it off!) As I picked it up, I swear the little booger moved and wiggled. Panic level #7. You can't imagine the screams. I only hope dad's hearing will recover.
With the snake in the trash, I decided I couldn't handle cleaning the blood right away, so I went back to scrubbing the laundry room. While there I discovered a spider that I was sure had a big sack of eggs on her back ready to explode millions of tiny spiders all over my house. Panic level #8. At this point I was thankful that I was no longer on the phone. No one will ever know the level of my girlish screams. I grabbed no fewer than 15 Kleenexes and squished the fool out of that stinker. I then ran through the house to flush him down the toilet. I then flushed four times.
So the blood is still on the floor, and the rug. It awaits the triumphant arrival of my much braver husband.
And that's how we narrowly escaped death... (Well, the puppies more so than me!)


Christi said...

HAHA,'re too funny! Glad everyone's okay. You're totally going to reenact that for hubs, right?

Laura Green said...

you make me laugh! I can so hear you telling that story!!