Monday, March 14, 2011

Breaking the silence

I've been writting this post in my head for a while. Now that I sit down to write, my heart is racing at the thought of giving my thoughts a voice.

It is no secret that what I want more than just about anything in this life is to be a mom. I came out of the womb ready to cradle a baby and have built my career around having young children in my life. After the Hubsters and I had been married for a little over a year, we stopped taking the birth control pills and started looking towards the next chapter in our life. I was amazed by the things that no one told me! When I was 13 and hated my period each month, I never could have imagined how disappointing it would be to see it come right on schedule. I never could have dreamed how many people I would be drawn to in Wal-Mart simply because they had a baby on their hip or in their belly. No one ever told me how my heart would ache to see a pregnant woman just walking by. Everyone did say that in order to get pregnant, I needed to "not want it". I've heard it countless times from a hundred different friends. However, if we didn't want a pregnancy right now, we would still be on the pill. There is nothing in my heart that knows how to "not want" a baby! I eventually had to stop checking my Facebook feed. With 23 pregnant friends, my heart couldn't take much more pregnancy news!

I finally came to a place where I was at peace waiting for the Lord's timing. I still wanted to have a baby as much (if not more) than ever before. However, I was content to wait until the Lord's perfect timing came to pass. Then, on March 3rd, the pregnancy test finally showed what I feared would never happen. That beautiful blue line confirmed that my upset stomach was not a stomach bug - but a baby! There aren't words to describe that moment. My heart soared and the Hubsters and I started dreaming and planning. We couldn't believe the Lord had chosen us to be parents for this sweet angel growing inside.

One week later, I heard the words every woman fears. The words I will never forget as long as I live. "I'm sorry, but you've had a miscarriage." Seven words brought our dreams and plans and joy to a screaching hault. The baby was gone. There was nothing we did or didn't do. There's no reason. The baby probably never had a chance at surviving so it died.

It's been 5 days and my heart is still in shock. The doctor doesn't feel it's a cause for concern for any future pregnancies and was very optimistic that we got pregnant as quickly as we did. However, my heart feels forever changed. I will forever have a past miscarriage. I will forever have a baby I can't meet until heaven. I know we'll be OK. We'll continue to plan and dream and move towards having the big family we've always wanted.

But for now, this is healing time. Time for me draw close to my husband and my King. Time to rest on the promises the Lord has given that He has plans and His plans are perfect.