Friday, October 9, 2015

A loss so great

Dear Caleb and Noah,
This morning we went to MOPS. It was not a typical day for us. As soon as we walked in, you both started crying. By the time I had both of you in your classrooms (still in tears), I was awash in my own flood of tears. Then we had a speaker that shook me up and rattled my heart in ways I was not prepared for. She spoke of the lessons she learned as her husband battled lung cancer. She had tears in her eyes as she told us about the day he met Jesus. As I'm sure you can imagine, I melted into a puddle of emotional (hormonal) goo. I cried for her and her daughter. I cried for my best friend that met Jesus when she was a young mom. I cried for you two and for Abigail, wondering how you would handle losing me or your daddy. 

As I rocked Noah before nap, the emotions washed over me all over again. I struggled to swallow my tears as I looked at Noah's sleepy eyes. My heart cried out. "God! My babies need me! They need their daddy! You can't call us home when their little. You just can't!" Yes, I know. I know that's not a wise way to talk to God. But sometimes it's best to just get real. And in that moment, I was in a panic. I was terrified that anything would cause us to leave you! 

I was washing dishes when the peace came. I knew God was listening to my cries. I knew He saw my tears and heard my fears. I also knew He had peace for me if I just sought Him. Without warning, my heart calmed as I scrubbed the spaghetti pot. There was a still, quiet whisper in my heart. "I knew Brandi's kids would grow up without a mom." 

I couldn't help but smile. A treasure of darkness peeking through from months of struggle. You see, when I was deeply mourning the loss of my dear friend I ranted at the Lord that those babies she left behind were now motherless. God reminded me that when He created Brandi's children, He knew their mom would have brain cancer. He knew her last days just as He knew the number of their days. That brain cancer knocked us off our feet, but it wasn't a surprise to God. For reasons I'll never understand on this side of heaven, that's the story God wrote for that family. 

Today, standing in front of the sink, that lesson washed over me again. God knows the number of my days, the number of your days, and the number of your daddy's days. He alone knows how long we have before He calls us home. And, He knew it all before He formed you in my womb. So while there is nothing in me that wants to leave my precious boys, I have such peace that God is going to hold you close - no matter what! 

I love you, my precious boys! I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that God gave me you. No matter what God brings out way, know that I love you fiercely and you will always be my boys! 


Thursday, October 8, 2015

Humble gifts

The most beautiful flowers in the world are now mine! No florist can ever compete with the treasures my boys bring me! Simple weeds that will wither and fade by day's end, but the gesture from my precious boys will forever touch this mama's heart! 
(As I typed, Noah reached out and are one. Precious moments indeed.)