Sleepy Snuggles

Tonight I did something I honestly thought I'd never get to do again. I held my Noah as he fell asleep. This used to be a daily occurrence for us but it's happened less and less until I was certain I'd never rock him to sleep again.

But tonight, he gave me a precious gift. After a very full day where naps were virtually non-existent, my baby was exhausted. So after the baths and stories and prayers were done, we settled into our chair in the corner of the nursery. It's no easy task settling a toddler and his bear and two blankets all in the right places. But as soon as we got settled into a smooth rhythm, his eyes got heavy. I have always loved watching babies fall asleep but watching my own children is a special kind of magic. Tonight I was so deeply grateful for that late summer sunset that cast a golden glow across his room. His eyes drifted closed slowly and then quickly, all at once. His breathing slowed and became deep and even. 

I just sat there staring at his sweet face. Feeling the weight of his long legs. Watching him clutch his bear. I remembered carrying him around Kohl's as a teeny newborn while he nursed under the cover. I remembered how light and small and helpless he felt in my arms. I thought back to the victory we felt every time we got our stubborn newborn to sleep. 

And my heart sighed. A deep, content, peace filled sigh of happiness. 

Pooh Bear

It's a silly thing, really, for a grown woman to be so thankful for a stuffed bear. But you'll never know just how much I love seeing my 17 month old toddle down the hall with you clutched under one arm. I know you get ignored most of the day but the way you move around my house I suspect you get hidden hugs and kisses when I'm not looking. I've stepped on you a few times (okay, more than "a few") and I'm certain I've kicked you out of the way. But that doesn't change my heart. I'm so glad you're there! 

You see, that boy who loves you so, didn't easily attach to a comfort item and it took a long time for him to learn to comfort himself. There were a lot of sleepless days and nights waiting for you to win his heart. And then one day, it happened. I don't know who shared the first secret or if it started with middle of the night joke telling. I just know that one day, out of no where, my sweet boy needed you. Do you know how I can tell? Because on those nights that I sneak into his room just to watch him sleep, you're always near by. I know he's fallen asleep under your watchful eye, hearing the stories that only stuffed animals can tell. 

One day, I'll have to pack you away. I'm sure I'll give you one final hug and thank you for the endless nights of taking care of my boy while we all slept. I'll tenderly tuck you in among cherished baby clothes and a baby blanket or two. One day, I hope our boy will open that box and see your face. I hope his heart will flood with memories of a childhood filled with laughter, his faithful friend always by his side. Maybe he'll even let his little boy love on you for a while. No matter what, know that I cherish you Pooh Bear and I am so glad you're snuggled up close to my boy tonight! 

To the baby

Dear Baby,

I've known about you for weeks now. You're tucked deep inside of me in the secret place even I'm not privy to. Sometimes I just marvel at the wonder of an eternal soul being knit together so close to me and yet so far away. God has such an amazing plan for your young life and you haven't even drawn your first breath. 

Today was a hard day. I was exhausted, your brothers were exhausted and therefore grumpy, and we all pushed each other to the limit. At dinner, the hard day spilled out into pterodactyl screeches, food flung to the floor, and a milk cup launched into the stratosphere. In the stress and the chaos and the exhaustion and riding a tidal wave of emotions and hormones, I said the unthinkable. "I don't want to do three of this!" Your daddy was horrified. I was horrified. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. But they hung in the air like a thick, toxic cloud. 

How in the world could I not want three? How could I, even for a second, think that another child would not be a blessing? Oh my sweet baby love! I want you more than I can say. More than I can express. 

Pregnancy breaks me. It is tough and full of getting sick and hurting and aching. My insides are rearranged (literally and spiritually) and I am split in two in order to bring you life. The picture of it all is almost more than this tired momma's heart can bear. I wasn't prepared for this breaking this time around. But oh how God is breaking me. I was trying to lose weight when I discovered you were coming along for the ride and in no time vegetables became repulsive. I know you don't know much about this world, wee one, but it's hard to eat healthy when vegetables won't stay down! But during this pregnancy I'm learning that I can't put myself last. If I don't eat on schedule, I'm sick on the couch for the rest of the day. Not enough fiber, I'm feeling miserable and achy. If my blood sugar crashes, I can't function or think clearly. I need to care for me and you. I can't put your brothers first. In mothering littles, this is a tough lesson to learn. But oh how it's needed. I'm a better me when I don't get shoved to the back burner. I'm a better wife to your daddy. I'm a better mommy to you and your brothers. 

I am so excited you're joining our family in March! I am seeing daily that I need you just as much as you need me right now. The next several months I pray that God will rearrange my heart just as your growing body rearranges my own. And when God breaks me and splits me in two, I know that my love for you will explode into the room. It will flood my heart until it overflows and spills over. It'll mend where I ache and make every broken moment worthwhile. Keep growing, my love. And I'll wait to meet you. Wait to hold you close and kiss your cheeks. I'll dream of how you'll fill our home with laughter and squeals of delight. I'll dream of games of chase in the backyard (wait until you see it - it's huge), ball games with your brothers, and long days filled with bike rides around our quiet neighborhood. I love you, dear one. I can't wait to meet you! 

Love, 

Mommy

17 months

Dear Noah,

Tomorrow you'll be 17 months old. I hate to admit it, but I think I blinked. That's the only explanation I have for how we got here so fast! The first 3 months of your life felt like an eternity. (You were not a happy baby!) But since then we've figured each other out and have a beautiful groove going! 

Tonight when I rocked you at bedtime I thought back to when your brother was this age. At 18 months old a switch flipped and he became a totally different child. Is the same switch waiting for you in a month? Will you continue to be the easy going toddler I know now? Will your temper tantrums grow even stronger? Will you continue to have a laugh that comes so easily? (That laugh, by the way, is one of my favorite sounds in the world. I love the way your giggle rolls out effortlessly and your grin swallows your whole face. I love the way you have a laugh just for me. I love that you get hiccups when you laugh too hard.) Will you still adore your big brother? Will you adore the baby that's on the way? 

Your life is full of so many unanswered questions. I guess all life is, really. Your sweet smile sure makes it fun to watch the answers unfold. This month, I think I'll snuggle you a little closer. This may be the last month you let me do so. I love you my precious Noah-Roah. Always and forever.

Love, 

Mommy

Life as we know it

The beginning of TLC's "John and Kate Plus 8" always said "It's a crazy life, but it's our life." As a single young lady who managed a classroom full of children every day, I remember thinking "That is ridiculous! If your life is crazy, make changes. You're the boss of those kids. Just tell them to calm the heck down!" 

Now I have two boys and a baby on the way. My chaos isn't a drop in the bucket to the Gosslin household, but I can tell you this - it's chaos! Beautiful, loud, unrestrained, laughter-filled chaos. Yes, I'm the boss of my kids. They're incredibly well behaved. But they're also experts at "spin-a-roonies" off the couch and leaping into my lap until they knock me down. Our living room is so full of Duplos and balls and books about trucks and unfolded laundry, it's hard to walk. My hair and make up are never done and today I didn't get out of pajamas until at least 1pm. I hardly notice the chaos until I get crazy enough to take them to Belk. By myself. (For those who are curious, don't try it. It's not for the faint of heart.) 

But even when that chaos is in full force, I'm so content in this crazy life! Some days, I want to pull out my hair - like when no one takes a nap. Some days, my heart explodes with love for these little guys living in my home. Our house is never boring (or quiet) so feel free to drop by if you're ever restless. Just give me a warning before you visit the restroom! With a potty training preschooler and a morning sick pregnant mommy, I might need to wipe it down. 

Birthday Pictures

My mom and mother-in-law have birthdays just days apart. It's such fun to do a whole lot of celebrating in a short time! It kind of reminds me of the crazy number of birthdays we packed into March and the beginning of April when I was a child. (Seriously. Ask me about it sometime.) This year, I decided the best gift we could give our amazing moms was a memory, frozen in time. So I dressed the boys in their cutest outfits and grabbed my camera. The result was more than I could have asked for! Now that everyone has unwrapped their gifts, I can't help but share the pictures with the world! These boys are just so cute and they've absolutely stolen my heart...

6 months

Dear Noah,

This is my 3rd letter today. I have been so behind in my letters to you and I'm so sorry! Life with 2 little boys is much more chaotic than I first anticipated. You both keep me on my toes - especially now that you're crawling! I have spent the past several months loving every moment with you and Caleb. I just haven't had time to sit with a computer in my lap.

At your 6 month check up, you weighed 17lb, 10.5 oz (50%) and you were _____ inches long. (Holding steady at 50%.) However, your head size is still off the charts at over 90%! You amaze me every day with what you can do! You sat up at 4 and a half months and within a month you were crawling across the living room floor. Right now you still do the army crawl on your belly, but you are working those legs and I don't think it will be long before you are on all 4s cruising through the house!

Happy 1/2 birthday Noah!

A little after you turned 5 months, you acted like you were starving! You stopped sleeping through the night and nursed non-stop. We decided to try solid foods and see if it helped. So far we've tried bananas and sweet potatoes. You are absolutely not a fan! You can't figure out how to keep the food in your mouth and don't understand you're supposed to swallow! We talked to Dr. Thomason and decided to back off for a little while. You'll figure it out eventually. No one goes to college still breastfeeding, right? (By the way, since we stopped trying solid food you went back to sleeping all night. Guess it was just a growth spurt and things are back to normal, huh?)

WDQSWqE1 - Oh my silly boy! You just crawled over my legs and got to the laptop! That'll teach me to try writing while you're awake and on the move...

You are still in 3-6 month clothes but I can tell that won't last long. You are growing quickly and I know we'll have to move up a size soon. I've learned that you hate it when your shirt is wet from drool or spit up. But you hate bibs even more! Oh my silly boy! You also have a lovely habit of having a blow out every. single. morning. You also spit up with a constant dribble all over the place. How are you gaining weight if everything comes out of you all the time?

We tried to move you from the cradle to your crib, but you weren't ready. It lasted 2 nights before I moved you back to our room. We decided we were ready to move you in your room again and you made it 1 night before you came down with a nasty case of croup and needed to be close to me throughout the night. Once your congestion finally cleared you moved to your room and you've been sleeping beautifully every night. Now if only we could figure out how to make naps as beautiful...

I think one of the most exciting developments of the month is the precious 2 little teeth that popped out with no warning. You are so passionate about your feelings that I was quite nervous about how you would handle the pain of cutting your first tooth. Then one night at CG, I put my finger in your mouth and you bit down with your gummy smile. Suddenly, I felt a tooth burst through your gums! We did it! We survived cutting that first tooth! The next morning, another tooth broke through. Now you have a precious 2 tooth smile and I treasure every smile I get before those top teeth show up.

We are headed into my favorite months of this first year! Six to nine months is so much fun and I can't wait to watch your personality develop. We're also headed into my favorite season of the year! I am excited about getting to share the holidays with both of my precious boys! Although, I'm just a little nervous about having a baby who gets into everything around a Christmas tree! (And a thousand other pretty, precious, shiny decorations!) I enjoy every day with you, my precious boy. I'm so madly in love with your heart melting smile and I'm so blessed to be your mom!

Love,
Mommy

P.S.-- Now that you have teeth, no more biting when nursing! Youch!