Tuesday, August 25, 2015

To the baby

Dear Baby,
I've known about you for weeks now. You're tucked deep inside of me in the secret place even I'm not privy to. Sometimes I just marvel at the wonder of an eternal soul being knit together so close to me and yet so far away. God has such an amazing plan for your young life and you haven't even drawn your first breath. 

Today was a hard day. I was exhausted, your brothers were exhausted and therefore grumpy, and we all pushed each other to the limit. At dinner, the hard day spilled out into pterodactyl screeches, food flung to the floor, and a milk cup launched into the stratosphere. In the stress and the chaos and the exhaustion and riding a tidal wave of emotions and hormones, I said the unthinkable. "I don't want to do three of this!" Your daddy was horrified. I was horrified. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. But they hung in the air like a thick, toxic cloud. 

How in the world could I not want three? How could I, even for a second, think that another child would not be a blessing? Oh my sweet baby love! I want you more than I can say. More than I can express. 

Pregnancy breaks me. It is tough and full of getting sick and hurting and aching. My insides are rearranged (literally and spiritually) and I am split in two in order to bring you life. The picture of it all is almost more than this tired momma's heart can bear. I wasn't prepared for this breaking this time around. But oh how God is breaking me. I was trying to lose weight when I discovered you were coming along for the ride and in no time vegetables became repulsive. I know you don't know much about this world, wee one, but it's hard to eat healthy when vegetables won't stay down! But during this pregnancy I'm learning that I can't put myself last. If I don't eat on schedule, I'm sick on the couch for the rest of the day. Not enough fiber, I'm feeling miserable and achy. If my blood sugar crashes, I can't function or think clearly. I need to care for me and you. I can't put your brothers first. In mothering littles, this is a tough lesson to learn. But oh how it's needed. I'm a better me when I don't get shoved to the back burner. I'm a better wife to your daddy. I'm a better mommy to you and your brothers. 

I am so excited you're joining our family in March! I am seeing daily that I need you just as much as you need me right now. The next several months I pray that God will rearrange my heart just as your growing body rearranges my own. And when God breaks me and splits me in two, I know that my love for you will explode into the room. It will flood my heart until it overflows and spills over. It'll mend where I ache and make every broken moment worthwhile. Keep growing, my love. And I'll wait to meet you. Wait to hold you close and kiss your cheeks. I'll dream of how you'll fill our home with laughter and squeals of delight. I'll dream of games of chase in the backyard (wait until you see it - it's huge), ball games with your brothers, and long days filled with bike rides around our quiet neighborhood. I love you, dear one. I can't wait to meet you! 


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