Today wasn't our best day. At least for me. I was tired and cranky and short tempered. My fuse was short and my voice was loud. The memories of it make my heart ache.
Today, we painted on paper plates. For some reason I thought you'd keep the paint contained. For some reason I expected you both to change your behavior and act like grown ups. Who was I kidding? You were both covered in enough paint to be considered leprechauns. There was paint all over the floor, on the cabinet doors, on the rug, and on the high chair. We all laughed, but you two laughed more. Instead of enjoying the moment I was so frustrated by the mess to be cleaned up! But in reality, it wasn't bad. You each grabbed a baby wipe and scrubbed away right along side your momma. There wasn't a grumble among you.
When I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, Caleb happily snuggled into my lap while I put on silly YouTube videos. When my heart broke with the weight of a thousand grown up troubles, you quietly joined your daddy in the living room and let me cry as I made dinner. You didn't even complain about the tears in the taco meat! :- )
Yes, you two had your moments too. There was lots of kicking and throwing and I'm sure you got pretty sick of one another more than once. But at the end of the day, I saw the look you gave each other in the bath tub. I saw Caleb's concern when he thought Noah was sick. I saw Noah giggle when Caleb did a silly dance.
Bed time ended our day much like the tough moments that filled it. But as I sat in the living room, my tooth still throbbing from the most recent head butt, I realized how lucky I am to have two precious healthy boys. How blessed I am that of all the babies in the world, God gave me you two! So I tip toed into Noah's room, knowing his days in the nursery are numbered. He was pretty much asleep but I couldn't let the day end like it had. I scooped him up and sighed in contentment as he snuggled into my chest.
I don't know how long I held you, Noah. But I know I apologized for the words I'd spoken and asked for forgiveness. I reminded you that you were nothing I expected and everything I needed. I thanked the Lord over and over and over again that He gave me you. I listened to Daddy and Caleb talk before their last good nights. I felt my heart burst with love for the three guys in my life. I prayed over you all. I prayed for grace to cover the ugly parts of today and for grace to FILL all the parts of tomorrow.
I'm not perfect. I yell and cry and I'm short tempered when I should be filled with patience and grace. But I love you boys fiercely. I wouldn't trade the two of you for anything in the world! You made me a mommy and made family our name. Being your mommy may be the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's the best thing - hands down.
I love you both my precious boys!