Mom Realities: Shower Edition

II've learned that as a mom, there's a fake set of expectations that lives in my head and real world experiences. These expectations and experiences hardly ever line up. When they do, life hums along joyfully. When they don't hilarity and chaos often ensue. Today, let's examine the expectations and realities of mom showering while the children are awake. In my house, this is 99% of the time I shower. It is rare that the stars align long enough for mom to shower while dad is home or children are sleeping. (Because if children are sleeping, this pregnant momma is sleeping.)

Expectation: I smell. It's been a day or two since I showered. I should take care of that.

Reality: As soon as mom decides to shower, everyone needs 8,000 things RIGHT NOW! "I need another snack. For the 15th time this hour." "I can't find my water bottle that's sitting right next to me." "I'm bored and don't know how to play with all of my brand new age appropriate Christmas toys." "My brother looked at me and it hurt." "My finger is bent." "My nose smells." You get the picture.

Expectation: I'm going to use this new luxurious shower gel I got in my Christmas stocking. I will smell so lovely I will have flowers floating around me and the birds will break out in song.

Reality: There's glitter in my shower gel. Now there's glitter in my ear. Who thought this was a good idea??? 

Expectation: While I'm busy de-stink-ing myself, my children will angelically play with their new Christmas toys and watch the movie I've strategically started on TV. (Because, real life.) 

Reality: I will scream my children's names no less than 65 times throughout the course of the shower. They will respond to my screams exactly twice.

Expectation: I'm out of the shower. We all survived. I just need to dry off.

Reality: As I'm drying off my youngest runs down the hall way. With the plunger. In his mouth.

Expectation: I will put on nice clean clothes.

Reality: When was the last time I washed this bra?

Expectation: Since my luxurious shower gel didn't make me feel so luxurious, I will sit in the living room and slather myself in a variety of lotions! Including my free jar of stretch mark erasing belly butter.

Reality: A child will grab the $50 jar of belly butter and run through the house screaming like a maniac.

Expectation: It's 10:30. Shower time has now taken over an hour. But I'm out now. I should turn off the tv so we can play and have brain development and real conversation. The experts say this is what I should do. The experts say TV is harmful. Between eating the plunger and watching PAW Patrol for mindless hours, my child is seriously at risk of never learning how to be a successful human. 

Reality: Why is everyone screaming? Why are there 8,000 puzzle pieces all over the living room? Why did you decide it was a good idea to kick your brother? Why are you licking the wall? Here. Watch "Inside Out". For the 657th time since Monday. 

Is it nap time yet? This momma is exhausted!