The past month has been full of emotions for us. In it all, God has revealed His heart and has shown us how breath-taking and beautiful He is.
In the weeks after our miscarriage I was convinced my heart would never heal. I walked around in a stunned fog of pain. I was certain I would always have a giant scar deep inside that I would feel every day. And while I can say that my heart will never be the same, I think God has transformed that ugly scar into something much more beautiful - a heart that continues to follow Him.
I've thought about Heaven a lot lately. I read "Heaven is for Real" about a little boy who went to Heaven during emergency surgery and spent some time with Jesus before coming back to Earth to live the rest of his life. He told his parents stories of heaven and little details for several years before they compiled it into one book. The biggest moment for me was when the little boy shared about a sister he'd never met (or known about). His mom miscarried early in the pregnancy and the baby was in heaven waiting for Mom and Dad. I have clung to those words as I imagined the love my baby must be receiving in the Throne Room. I cherish images of my grandmother, great-aunt, and great-grandmother loving on our baby and spoiling it with the love they lavished on me when I was a child. My child never knew sin. He or she never knew the pain of this world. The first thing my baby ever saw was the Savior's face. That's a pretty beautiful thing, if you ask me.
There are moments when I wonder how God must feel, watching His children reject Him every day. Then I imagine how He must have felt when He chose for His Child to die for people who didn't deserve to live. The ache in my heart seems like nothing compared to what God did for me. Nothing.
Not all of my moments have been so happy. There have been times when I wanted to beat my fists against God and scream and yell at Him for taking the baby I wanted so desperately. I've wanted to storm the gates of Heaven and take my baby back. I've wanted to demand that God give me a healthy pregnancy now! I have cried so hard I thought my face was going to break. I have hurt in ways I've never hurt before. I have been fearful and teary and I've complained about my lot in life. I've told Hubsters a thousand times that life was NOT suppossed to go this way!
But in the end, my heart knows that God is still God. This hurt doesn't make sense right now, but I know God's not sitting in Heaven completely shocked at what's going on in my life. I know He's in control and He's working everything out for my good and His Glory. I've clung to the promises in Scripture - especially:
"I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name." (Isaiah 45:3)
God is revealing His treasures of darkness. I am hearing His voice as He calls me by name. My ugly, painful scar is being transformed into a heart that beats for Him alone. In it all, God is still God and I am His child.