Come Lord Jesus!

Dear Caleb and Noah,

It's been a rough couple of days at our house. Caleb has had a nasty virus and Noah has been battling reflux. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of time spent snuggling our two precious boys. As I rocked Caleb one night, his body burning with fever, I sang old hymns I remember from years and years in church. As I rocked Noah in the middle of the night and struggled to keep my eyes open I thought of the popular song, "God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night better than a hallelujah sometimes." My sweet boys, we live in a fallen, broken world. A world full of disease and bodies that don't work right and heartache beyond what I can express. A world so oppressed by sin that we see but a fraction of the glory God created. As I sang those old hymns to Caleb I found myself longing for the day The Lord will return and call us home. No more viruses that make us sick. No more reflux that burns our chest. No more sin warping our view of God's brilliant creation. My heart aches over the world you will grow up in - this world that pulls and tugs and distorts Truth. This world of scary bad guys and quiet lies and a revolution that threatens the definition of family.

Singing those hymns to Caleb Friday night I found my heart begging Christ to return and set us free! To call us Home and free us from the bondage of sin and death. It hurts to see you boys suffer in a broken world and I longed for the freedom of Heaven more than ever before.

But then, in the middle of the night as I rocked Noah, I remembered the verse I'd discussed with your Aunt Megan just hours before. "They will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of The Lord for the display of His splendor." (Isaiah 61:3) That verse is my prayer for you - my strong boys. I pray that God would plant you firmly in the soil of Truth - that you would display His splendor!

I hate that you have to grow up in a world that is so opposed to the Truth that defines our lives. I hate that you boys will always have to fight culture tooth and nail in order to stand for what is right. But I know if God doesn't choose to call us all home, then He's going to plant you firmly and call you to stand as tall as a mighty oak! I love you, my precious boys. I love you so deeply my heart can hardly comprehend it. Please know that even in the rough weekends when you're both sick and my head is spinning from trying to clean up the throw up - I'm praying. I'm praying for your hearts to know Truth. I'm praying for your lives to display the splendor of the God who made you. I'm praying that you will be world changers!

I love you both!
Love,
Mommy

18 months

Note: I wrote this post in January when Caleb was actually 18 months old. But in January I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy and life got a little crazy... When I wrote Noah's 1 month post, I found this letter waiting to be spiced up with a few pictures and posted. It's amazing how much he's changed now at 21 months!


Dear Caleb,

You are 18 months old! A year and a half! How in the world is that possible? (How often do I say that?) You have blossomed into this amazing little boy who is a whole lot more toddler than baby! You are a blur of motion most of the time. You are all boy, all action, all the time. Everything you can pick up becomes something to hit with or throw. I have wondered when you'd really begin to talk but the past few weeks, you've come out of your shell. I hear 2-3 new words each day! You also pick up sign language at an amazing pace. I find myself making up signs for fruit because you're desperate for a way to ask for the fruit you love, but don't have the words to do so yet. The only sign you refuse to use is banana, but that's ok because one of your newest words is "bana". I think it's precious and I try to find ways to make you say it throughout the day.

At your 18 month check up you were 85% for height, 75% for weight, and 98% for head circumference. I was quite surprised to find out you were ahead of every single developmental milestone Dr. Thomason mentioned. Not sure why that surprised me as much as it did - I've always known you were a smart boy. You can identify a star without fail and usually know a heart. You're also finding more and more letter "C's" in books. What a brilliant little man you are!

You have a host of words that make a regular appearance, and several that we only hear once in a while. My favorite is when you run across the room screaming "Mama" as loud as you can! You also say daw (dog), ow-si (outside), doll (ball), yesh (yes), tar (star), daaa-da (Daddy), aw don (all done), das (lights - especially Christmas lights), and mmmmm (moo). Every now and then we catch an "I love you" and it melts every heart that hears it. You also say "a-da" or "a-za" all the time but we have no clue what it means! You have typical toddler babble, but "a-da" is often said when you are pointing to something and wanting me to understand what you're saying. One of these days I'll figure it out little boy...

Your favorite toy, by far, is your box full of balls. In fact, I told everyone that you didn't need anything for Christmas except lots and lots of balls. (Don't worry - your grandparents were more than happy to oblige!) There's not a day that goes by that I don't stumble over a smattering of balls in every room in the house. You also really enjoy the potato masher. I think you're confused about why Mommy keeps such a fantastic toy in the kitchen! You run all over the house, hitting everything you can think of. Nothing is safe - including the dogs! After we took down the Christmas tree we left the furniture where it was and transformed the tree corner into a toy corner. It took you about 3 seconds to realize what a fantastic invention this is and now spend your day dumping out toys and cleaning them up. (And occasionally throwing a few balls across the room!)

You are also very much obsessed with stars. If you spy a star and we don't recognize it, you will stop everything and throw a fit until we acknowledge that there is in fact a star there. Gaga writes you letters with star stickers all over it and it is the best day of your week! We spend a good hour taking the stickers off the letter and sticking them on your hands and arms. When you're having a rough day, nothing will turn it around quite like an episode of Team Umizoomi. Your daddy and I have several episodes memorized and have found ourselves singing the theme song - even when you're not around. Praise the Lord for modern technology that lets us watch it anytime, day or night. You've grown quite attached to your waffle weave blankets. In fact, if I don't get the laundry put away fast enough, you'll insist on carrying both of them around at once. I must admit, when you were born people gave you lots of things that they hoped would become your security item. I (not so secretly) always hoped you'd choose the waffle weave blankets. It warms my heart to see you carry them around the house. I love sticking them in the diaper bag each time we leave home. It's a precious part of being a toddler I know you won't keep forever. But for now, it's a part I cherish more than you can imagine!

Lately, our home has become a flurry of activity as we prepare for the biggest change of your young life! In just 2 short months you'll officially be a big brother! We talk about baby Noah growing in my tummy and have told you that you're going to move into a big boy room (which isn't much more than an empty room with half-way painted walls at the moment), but I often wonder how much you understand. It's a big life change that's coming, little man. Please know how often I pray that the Lord will prepare your heart in ways we can't. I rest in knowing that when He chose to give us you, He knew that He'd also give us Noah. God knew what your family would look like long before we did! He knew you'd be a big brother at 20 months and He knew Noah would be the baby brother. God is amazing and has a perfect plan for your life. I'm awe-struck that I get to a front row seat to watch it all unfold.

When I look back over the last 6 months, I can see how your personality has grown as you stretched your legs into toddler-hood. Your food allergies to milk, egg, and peanuts remain but we're starting to see signs that maybe they're not as severe as they used to be. Maybe you'll grow out of some of them! You have a stubborn, independent streak that doesn't surprise me at all. But you are also happy and easy going most of the time. Your heart is big and you love deeply. Your laugh can light up a room and it fills my heart with joy overflowing. Those gorgeous blue eyes still captivate me every time you turn your head, and your blonde hair gets blonder by the day! After your first hair cut, I let it grow for quite a while and was thrilled to see the curls come back. It's starting to get long again and part of me kind of wants to see if the curls will come back once more. I love you more than I ever thought possible, my sweet pumpkin! You are my dear little buddy and I'm so blessed to be your Mommy!

I love you! Soooo much!

Love,
Mommy

1 month

Dear Noah,

4 days old

One month old

You are a month old! I can hardly believe it's been a month since you surprised us with your early arrival. Before you were born I wondered how my heart would manage loving another child as deeply as I loved Caleb. But those early days in the hospital proved I had nothing to fear! I was instantly in love with this tiny baby who looked so much like his brother! Everything about you was absolutely perfect and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have two precious boys to cradle in my arms.

The first thing your daddy said when he saw you was, "Oh my gosh! He looks just like Caleb!" Your baby pictures are identical and I'm kinda worried about bring able to tell them apart in a few years. I need to get organized now! But your looks are where your similarities end. You are quiet and only talk when there's not much going on around you. However, you are not afraid to let us know when you're not happy! You have a set of lungs on you louder than anything your brother ever threw at us. :) Where Caleb was a fast, veracious eater, your motto is "slow and steady wins the race." We struggled with nursing at first but we're trucking along now! Within a month I knew Caleb had a pretty serious milk allergy. I'm still not sure if you'll have food allergies but we're battling a nasty round of reflux! Right now the Zantac is making a difference and I'm so thankful! You don't cry as often and I'm learning a few tricks to help keep your tummy happy. But you know, even after hours of screaming, my heart swells when you settle down at the sound of my voice. I can't describe the love I feel when you snuggle in close and you sigh like my arms are finally the relief you've been looking for. In those moments when we nurse in the middle of the night - those moments when I'm absolutely exhausted - those moments when I can't see straight for all the stress in the room - it's in those moments that I know you belong here. You belong in our family just as naturally as oxygen belongs in your lungs. God knew what He was doing when He gave us you. He knew how deeply I'd fall in love with this tiny Snicker Snacker named Noah!

At your one month check up you weighed 9lbs, 1oz and were 20 and 3-4" long. Your weight gain is slow and steady and I'm thrilled! You're getting to wear all of the newborn clothes Caleb never wore and you still fit in those adorable tiny newborn diapers! I actually prayed for a smaller baby this time around so I could enjoy you being tiny for a little while before you grew...

You got to celebrate your first holiday at just 3 weeks old. You were too little for us to leave the house, so we didn't go to Easter service. But we did get to enjoy some precious family time! Your Granny, Grandaddy, Aunt Nerfer, and cousins came over for lunch and a fun egg hunt! You slept and nursed through almost all of the festivities, but I did sneak a few pictures when you had your eyes open. My heart was so full just knowing we could celebrate as a family of 4.

I love you so much, my little Snicker Snacker! I'm so thankful that God gave us you! I'm truly enjoying every sleepless moment... Please stay little for just a bit longer! I need to snuggle you some more!

Love,
Mommy

He loves you more

Dear Caleb,

Today was a rough day. I was tired from the get go and I suspect you probably were too. You threw one tantrum after another (including throwing your Cheerios cup at the dog) and refused to nap all day long. You even managed to unroll toilet paper from the bathroom to the kitchen without breaking it. I still have no clue how you handled that one! I'm sure some of the tantrums I handled with grace, patience, and love. But quite a few of them were met with an exasperated sigh and an impatient mommy. At one point we were both in tears, and I was begging God for wisdom in my mothering. That's when I heard a still, small voice whisper "I love him more." It stilled the storm raging around me. It quieted my anxious heart. No matter how violent a tantrum you throw, it won't change my love for you. No matter how defiant you become, you'll always be my boy. But the best reality of all is that no matter how much I love you, God loves you more. I've loved you since the moment I knew you were on your way. God loved you first. He loved you so much that He sent His only Son (whom He loved more than I can imagine) to die, so YOU could live. It's a beautiful thing, my sweet baby boy, that in the midst of tantrums and bad choices and broken momma hearts, God loves us more. My prayer today is that neither one of us ever loses sight of that. I pray you'll never know a day or a moment when you don't know in the core of your being that God loves you more.

The Bible promises us that His mercies are new every morning. So tomorrow we'll get up and try it all again, with fresh mercy and a fresh heart. If tomorrow is wonderful, I'll love you. If tomorrow is a disaster filled with even more tears, I'll love you. And this momma will trust that the God who called us and saved us, loves us both more than I can imagine.

I love you my sweet boy!
Love,
Mommy

P.S. -- Tonight when I asked for a good night kiss, you stuck your fist in your mouth. When your daddy said "Give your momma some kisses!" you shook your head no! Not cool little man. Not cool.

12 months - 1 year!

Dear Caleb,

You are a year old! I can hardly wrap my brain around it! I'll write a separate post about your party and your birthday celebrations. For now I'll just say it was a wonderful time and a sweet celebration of our precious boy!

You are now a walking man! You are done with crawling and want to walk everywhere you go. In the past 2 weeks you've learned to stand up in the middle of the room - no more pulling up on furniture. No more sweet furniture cruising. All walking. All the time. Your favorite thing to do is find one or two toys and walk around carrying them. You cruise from room to room and just babble away. I'm not sure who you're talking to or what you're saying but it is precious! You aren't attached to one particular toy or blanket, but you tend to pick one favorite item for the day. The other day is was a paper towel tube you found in the recycling bin. You would not let me take it away! I finally convinced you to play with something else when the tube had completely disintegrated and I was pulling chunks out of your mouth.

We took our very first family vacation this month! We rented a little house on Cedar Creek Lake and spent 2 nights there with our dogs. When we arrived you were uncharacteristically fussy. When your daddy picked you up, you were burning up with a fever. We kept Tylenol in your system all weekend long and gave you lots of extra snuggles. We went straight to the doctor Monday morning and it turns out you had a horrible ear infection. One strong round of amoxicillin later, you were good to go! Dr. Thomason encouraged us to use a probiotic to help keep your tummy happy so I ran to the pharmacy and picked up the same brand we used last time you were sick. I gave you 2 doses before I realized that it contained milk! I'm not sure why I never checked the label before, but I have a feeling the probiotic may have been the cause of your extended bout of diarhea a few months ago... I returned the box to the store and picked up a new brand that was dairy free! I felt awful for giving you milk, but you don't seem any worse for the wear now that it's out of your system. And mommy learned a good lesson in always checking the labels!

One of the most exciting things that happened this month was meeting your Indiana cousins. Uncle Jeff's kids came to visit Gaga and PaPaw for a week and we got to go see them. You also got to meet your Uncle Jeff and Aunt Brittany for the first time. It was a fun week and you loved seeing everyone! You loved it so much that you decided not to sleep while we were there. Your daddy and I crawled into bed about 1 every night (we were enjoying getting to see the family too!) and you'd wake up, ready to play. We finally got you to sleep around 4 or 5 every night. Our day would start about 7:30 or 8 when everyone else got up. We were exhausted!!! You finally slept well our last night in Waco and we were oh so thankful!

Left to right: Caleb, Luke, Mercy, Ben, and Grace

I love watching your little personality develop! You are a happy boy and have a smile for just about everyone you meet. You talk and babble a lot, but make funny sounds more than anything. You love to blow raspberries and make a "tsss" sound when you're really focused on something. Most recently, your babble has sounded much more conversational. There are several times when we swear you say "What's that?" We always answer you and you usually seem quite satisfied with what we have to say. Sometimes you blow raspberries and shake your head. You are such a ham! One day as I was getting you out of your high chair you clearly said "Mama" and cuddled up to me. I'm not sure if it was an intentional word or if you just happened to make those sounds. You've only said it one other time and you were looking at Granny so I'm not entirely sure you know what those sounds mean.

One night you snuggled right up to me and fell asleep.
My heart was so full I thought it would burst!

You are growing into such a precious toddler and are so much fun to be around. I've enjoyed the slower pace of summer but I'm looking forward to the structure and play dates the fall will bring. I'm also excited to get back to MOPS. We both love hanging out with the people we see there. You are such a people person you do much better when we get to go out and see people. Since I was pregnant with you your Daddy and I have prayed that you would have God's heart for people - it's amazing to see how God is already answering that prayer!

I love you so much my sweet pumpkin! I am so blessed to be a mom to such a special little boy! I'm a little sad that you're no longer a baby and are now a toddler, but I'm excited about this new season with you. I've never been a mom to a toddler before and I'm thrilled to learn all about what's to come for us as a family! I love you!

Love, Mommy

11 months

Dear Caleb,

Last month I struggled with the fact that you were turning 10 months old because I felt like you were leaving the baby state and getting dangerously close to toddler hood. I was right! This month your daddy and I have noticed so many ways that you're no longer a baby!

You now take up a shocking amount of your crib. When I rock you in your room the legs that once fit safely in my arms, now wrap around my body and stick out the side of the glider. You are walking all over the place. We've officially started the weaning process. You no longer play with a lot of your baby toys - we even packed some up in the attic to make room for your big boy cars. You refuse to be spoon fed purees and love feeding yourself finger foods. There are fewer and fewer sweet baby curls. Instead you have a head full of hair that is often crazy and unruly. You have learned to crawl out of my lap when you're done nursing. You're such a big boy! Oh how the time has flown!

Sometimes those sweet baby curls need a little bath after lunch...

You crawl on all fours at lightning fast speed now. No more sweet belly crawling. I feel like I'm watching your days of cruising around the furniture quickly come to a close. You love walking around and can cover quite a bit of distance before you fall. At the beginning of the month you just fell on your face. It wasn't long before you figured out how to catch yourself and control your fall.

Now that you can walk up to the window in your room, it'll never be clean again!

One of the biggest events this month was your first visit to the allergist. I was very nervous about the appointment, but you handled it like a champ! I was so proud of you! The doctor ordered skin testing and we had to keep you laying flat on your tummy for 20 minutes while the stuff sat on your back. Thankfully, you fell asleep in my lap and it was a breeze! When all was said and done, you tested positive for milk, egg, peanut, and dustmites. We go back in August for bloodwork that will tell us more about the severity of your allergies. For now, we are keeping you on a dairy, egg, and nut free diet. Sometimes it's quite the challenge, but we're getting in a groove and figuring out how to keep you safe. The diaper bag now contains 4 Epi-Pens (2 for you, 2 for me). We are a food allergy family!

You still LOVE going outside! It's getting harder to spend time outdoors as the weather warms up, but we do what we can. This month you went swimming for the first time. My child, you are fearless! We have to hold you close and tight or you dive underwater. You kick your feet as hard as you can and love being in the water! I'm so excited to be raising a little fish.

You are a champion sleeper and a hearty eater! I'm already worried about the grocery bill when you're a teenager! Avocados, Cheerios, and broccoli are still your favorite foods. Although, fresh fruit is right up there on the favorite list. When we get out a plate and knife, you wiggle all over with excitement! This month we added soy milk in the afternoons and you seem to like it. I'm so glad, since we're quite limited on milk options for you!

I can hardly wrap my brain around the fact that you only have a month left as a baby. You're quickly becoming a toddler and I'm not quite ready. You are a busy little man and are constantly getting into everything! Just when I think the world is safe, you find some other way to get into trouble. You're learning the word "no" even if you don't like hearing it!

The POPPArazzi!

I am so blessed to be your mom! I am daily amazed at how richly the Lord has blessed me with you! Your laugh comes so easily and I will do just about anything to get a smile and giggle out of you! I'm cherishing this last month with my baby and those sweet baby curls that get longer by the day. I'm praying daily for all the Lord has planned for you. He's put a special spirit and a beautiful heart in you and He's going to use you in big ways. I love watching that sweet spirit develop and can't wait to see what God's going to do! I love you Pumpkin!

Love,

Mommy

Where my heart is

We've been on vacation for almost 2 weeks, but it feels like it's been a month! For 2 weeks I've been living from a suitcase and putting a baby to bed in a pack and play and feeding Caleb carefully planned meals. For 2 weeks we've traveled and visited and hugged and loved. And now we're home. We pulled into our driveway yesterday with a deep sigh of relief. Home. At last.

We walked in our house to discover our A/C wasn't working. The temperature was 87 and quickly climbing. (It got to 94 before all was said and done.) We unloaded the car and I sadly left DJ at home while Caleb and I sought out a cooler place to hang out. We finally returned home at 9:45 when the temperature finally went back down to 86. It was a rough night for our family, to say the least.

Today was still rough. My heart was crabby and I snapped at DJ more than once. I couldn't figure out what was wrong and everything seemed to annoy me. Everything was just off. Then tonight, I cooked dinner. It's a little thing, really. It wasn't anything spectacular - just left over meatloaf and some roasted zucchini. But then we naturally slipped into our evening routine. DJ gave Caleb a bath and I cleaned the kitchen. Suddenly, my heart sighed a happy sigh. This was right. This was where I belonged. I belonged in my home, caring for my boys. I was so deeply content wiping down my kitchen table, washing dishes, listening to the happy squeals from the baby in the bathtub.

So now I sit in a quiet house, the crickets singing their song outside my window. Laundry from a wonderful vacation is hanging around the house. Clothes are sitting in the washer and the dryer reminding me that I'm blessed to have people to wear them. The scrapbooking room is a cluttered mess of a thousand half done projects. The list of things to do for Caleb's birthday party isn't getting any shorter. (Can he really be having a birthday in a little over a week? Yikes!) Despite all of that, I'm deeply content. I'm so thankful to stay at home with Caleb. I'm so happy to be a mom. I'm so thrilled to be living this life. This is where my heart is happiest. This is where my heart belongs.