Breaking the silence

I've been writting this post in my head for a while. Now that I sit down to write, my heart is racing at the thought of giving my thoughts a voice.

It is no secret that what I want more than just about anything in this life is to be a mom. I came out of the womb ready to cradle a baby and have built my career around having young children in my life. After the Hubsters and I had been married for a little over a year, we stopped taking the birth control pills and started looking towards the next chapter in our life. I was amazed by the things that no one told me! When I was 13 and hated my period each month, I never could have imagined how disappointing it would be to see it come right on schedule. I never could have dreamed how many people I would be drawn to in Wal-Mart simply because they had a baby on their hip or in their belly. No one ever told me how my heart would ache to see a pregnant woman just walking by. Everyone did say that in order to get pregnant, I needed to "not want it". I've heard it countless times from a hundred different friends. However, if we didn't want a pregnancy right now, we would still be on the pill. There is nothing in my heart that knows how to "not want" a baby! I eventually had to stop checking my Facebook feed. With 23 pregnant friends, my heart couldn't take much more pregnancy news!

I finally came to a place where I was at peace waiting for the Lord's timing. I still wanted to have a baby as much (if not more) than ever before. However, I was content to wait until the Lord's perfect timing came to pass. Then, on March 3rd, the pregnancy test finally showed what I feared would never happen. That beautiful blue line confirmed that my upset stomach was not a stomach bug - but a baby! There aren't words to describe that moment. My heart soared and the Hubsters and I started dreaming and planning. We couldn't believe the Lord had chosen us to be parents for this sweet angel growing inside.

One week later, I heard the words every woman fears. The words I will never forget as long as I live. "I'm sorry, but you've had a miscarriage." Seven words brought our dreams and plans and joy to a screaching hault. The baby was gone. There was nothing we did or didn't do. There's no reason. The baby probably never had a chance at surviving so it died.

It's been 5 days and my heart is still in shock. The doctor doesn't feel it's a cause for concern for any future pregnancies and was very optimistic that we got pregnant as quickly as we did. However, my heart feels forever changed. I will forever have a past miscarriage. I will forever have a baby I can't meet until heaven. I know we'll be OK. We'll continue to plan and dream and move towards having the big family we've always wanted.

But for now, this is healing time. Time for me draw close to my husband and my King. Time to rest on the promises the Lord has given that He has plans and His plans are perfect.

Snowmaggedon 2011



My brother and his family live in Indiana. They are used to snow and cold and the like. I live in Texas for a reason - I do not like bitterly cold weather and I only like snow in small doses. That being said, last week in Texas was NOT my cup of tea!

Monday was a beautiful day. My students were out of school and I spent the day doing parent-teacher conferences.
Tuesday, February 1st came in screaming with sleet and ice. It made travel impossible and locked everyone indoors. School was canceled and when we checked the weather, we were so very thankful they had!


 


17 degrees with a wind chill of -1?!?! No thank you!

 It didn't get above freezing until Saturday. I tucked my tail between my legs and planted myself here:





Warm fire!



This made it even better:



Cua's the black puppy, Marley's the white one



I stayed put (and read three books) until they made me go to work for a few hours on Thursday. When I got home, I returned to my chair by the fire and didn't move again until Friday morning. That's when I realized my backyard looked like this:



7 inches of snow!!!!



With school clearly canceled, the Hubsters and I bundled up and went to play! We found a hill and some nice people let us borrow their boogie board to slide down over and over and over. Sadly, the pictures don't do it justice! We had fun but quickly realized why my brother complains about snow as much as he does.



Snow laundry! Wow!

 Temperatures finally climbed above freezing on Saturday and we ventured to Wal Mart - along with everyone else in town!
 



Toilet paper shelves





The egg case

Clearly, we didn't get the eggs we needed. Wal Mart hadn't gotten any trucks in three days and was severely short handed. They were stocking shelves as fast as customers were clearing it out!

Things returned to normal for a few days and we actually got to work Monday and Tuesday! However, this morning another storm blew through and now we're iced in. Again.





Today's weather

From the looks of it, I won't be venturing outdoors anytime soon! In fact, I think I'll go find those puppies and take another nap. This winter weather makes me feel like it's time to hibernate!

Confessions of a (part-time) housewife

• I have a hate-hate relationship with my vacuum cleaner. It hates picking up dirt, I hate picking up after it...
• I honestly cannot remember the last time I mopped my kitchen floor. I wouldn't recommend eating anything that falls on my floor. Just sayin'...
• The Hubsters and I gave up caffeine. However, I cannot let go of my two cups of coffee each morning. Something about the flavor gets me going each morning!
• I know 18 pregnant women and 7 who have given birth in the last month or so. (I counted.)
• We're watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" right now. The sound is off. Hubsters and I find this extremely annoying.
• I've discovered that my newest pet peeve is when someone doesn't put the trash in the trash can because it's either too big or the trash is full. Take the trash out to the garage people!
• No matter what I do, I cannot keep the dust off of our TV screen. It's the world's worst dust magnet!
• I miss my Christmas decorations. The house seems lonely without them.
• A few years ago my mom and dad sold their home of 30 years. Today my mom called that the new owner couldn't make payments and the bank took the house. My mom, sister, and I all feel very sorry for the house!
• I love knee socks!
• I hate having cold toes.
• Today for lunch, I ate a huge salad with ham and a little seasoned rice vinegar dressing. It was the best salad I've had in a very long time! I inhaled it! I'm already planning on when I can eat it again.

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. There are about a million reasons - none of which I'll go into right now. There are lots of updates and stories to share, but I won't bore you with details you care nothing about.

This December, my brother got married in Indiana. The day before the wedding, we got up 3am and headed to the airport. After two very uneventful flights (we flew from Dallas to Kansas City, and then on to Indianapolis), we met up with my dad and little sister and loaded her car full to overflowing in blowing snow. It was beautiful, but we just about froze! When we arrived in Fort Wayne, we met up with my brother and joined in the pre-wedding festivities. We hadn't seen his kids since I got married a year and a half ago and we were thrilled to be with them again!

The wedding was beautiful and I was thrilled to have a new sister! In true Allison fashion, I cried through the entire wedding and a good chunk of the reception.

The next morning, we planned on leaving nice and early so we could make it to a special dinner in Missouri. However, when we woke up we discovered that our hotel had a water main burst and there was no hot water. But with five girls with hair full of hairspray and a good amount of post-wedding stink we were desperate. So we warmed cups of hot water in the microwave and attempted to wash off. (It was 6 degrees outside. Washing your hands after going to the bathroom was so painful it was almost impossible! You can forget about washing your body or hair in that water!) Then, we got creative. We poured our cups of hot water into the ice bucket and poured it over the head of the unlucky person with their head in the tub. Through it all, the kids were amazing! The girls were willing to sit patiently while we heated water in little bitty cups. They were such helps carrying cups of water back and forth and the boys played quietly while we slowly washed the hairspray out. I was amazed at what happy hearts everyone had. We laughed and sang songs and told funny stories and had a good time over all!

We planned to leave Fort Wayne no later than 11. We left closer to 2pm. However, I don't think anyone was too upset. We enjoyed the time together and loved laughing together! Nonetheless, we cheered when we saw the Illinois state line! We were so happy to be on our way!!!

Fall has...fallen?

Monday the high was 83. Tuesday the high was 59. We reached that high at midnight and the temperature just fell all day. And it rained. And rained. And rained. It was wonderful! I got to wear a brand new sweater to work and felt so proud and wonderful in it! :) Then for dinner, we had homemade chili and homemade pumpkin bread. I ate them all while curled up in flannel pajama pants and an oversized long sleeve shirt. The warmth from the chili spread from my nose to my toes!
After dinner, I got a chance to lay on the floor and play with my dogs! I laughed and laughed as they ran laps around our dinning room table and played with balls and socks and a random glove they found on the floor.
Now, I'm sitting in the recliner watching my favorite show with my two favorite puppies snoring in my lap. I feel wonderful and fantastic and snuggly warm through and through! Snoozing puppies are such wonderful stress-relief!
I just realized I used a lot of exclamation marks in those paragraphs. However, after a rough day at work I am just so excited to have a heart full of peace and a lap full of dog! :) Oh how I love fall!!!

Meanwhile on the job front...

Life around these parts have not been fun lately. Way too many deaths and drama and heart ache. My eyes are still raw from the crying...

However, yesterday felt like a sucker punch to the gut. After only 11 weeks teaching in a dream classroom, things are going to change. A new student is enrolling and I cannot teach him at this time in life. So on Monday, I will switch classes with another pre-k teacher. She will teach my class of two students and I will take her very busy class of 14 four year olds! In the end, I know I'll love teaching this class. However, right now I'm sad to leave the class I've fallen in love with...

There are two songs that continue to echo through my heart right now. One we stumbled upon when flipping through radio stations last night...

Born To Climb
Right now you feel like you'd rather be anywhere else
Than here where you are
Cause life has a way of arranging your plans
And the journey you're on is so hard

Oh the mountain is high
And the road up the side is much steeper than you thought it'd be
You're out of breath and scared half to death
You won't have the faith to believe
But grace, sweet grace has strengthened you time after time
So don't be afraid of the mountain
Cause friend, you were born to climb

God has not given a spirit of fear
Or a burden that you cannot bear
And just at the moment you feel hope is fading
Behold the Lord standing right there

You have been called to be more
Than you were before
Just set your sights
On Heavenly heights
And trust in the Lord

The other song that echos through my heart is a new release from Amy Grant...
 
Better Than a Hallelujah
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I need gift ideas!!!!

I know... It's not even Halloween yet... It's too early to think about Christmas... Normally I'd agree with you... I'm a huge fan of Thanksgiving and usually want to fully celebrate that holiday before Christmas sneaks around... HOWEVER...

We fly out for my brother's wedding a week before Christmas, thus cutting my shopping time by a week.
We have a thousand things to do for the wedding and we really want to get Christmas shopping out of the way.
We have no money because we're spending it all on travel for the wedding.

So... I need help! What should I get for the following people? Please feel free to offer any and all suggestions! (Especially if you ARE one of the following people.)

Mother and Father-in-law
Sister-in-law
16 year old nephew (I also need a birthday present for him.)
13 year old niece
11 year old niece (I also need a birthday present for her.)
10 year old nephew
7 year old niece
7 year old nephew
5 year old nephew (I also need a birthday present for him.)
My grandmother (Who loves the hubsters way more than she loves me.)

I also need a whole host of stocking stuffer ideas! Please throw any and all ideas out there - even the ridiculous!